He didn’t record it. 

John.  He didn’t record the whole scene in the garden of Gethsemane. Specifically that he had fallen asleep while Jesus was in tortured agony. You know… that part.

I don’t know if that means anything to anyone else, but when I realized that yesterday, it hit me hard. Brought me to tears. Seriously. I just want to hug him, you know? Tell him, he’s not the only one. He doesn’t have to be ashamed of it. We all have those moments of staring our own similar failures in the face. Times when those close to us thought they could depend on us, and we totally missed the mark and deserted them one way or another. We let them down. We failed. 

Now, to be fair, John’s decision to omit some of those details may not have been emotional. It may have just have been a, “Yeah, not putting all that in there,” and moved on. We don’t know. But considering how close the gospels say he was to Jesus – one of His closest friends, I have to think that at least some of that omission stems from embarrassment. I don’t blame him at all. I’m not going to sit here and air all my worst moments either. 

So, what is my point in bringing this up? 
I don’t know, exactly. Maybe simply that there are so many instances of grace throughout the gospels that aren’t even written, that are tucked there between the lines. 

Peter’s betrayal is fortunately / unfortunately is front and center. Told clearly for all to know. Perhaps John felt that this was his own moment of betrayal. Jesus had literally just told them He considered them all to be friends. Friends. That is no light word. A friend is someone you trust enough to tell all the things to. Jesus had done just that, told them all that was on His heart as much as possible, at the last supper, before going to the garden. Yet when they reached Gethsemane, when Jesus went a step even further with his three closest friends and confided in them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me,” what did John do? He fell asleep. Out cold. Didn’t even stir when Jesus walked back and forth to them multiple times, and even spoke to Peter. But John slept through it. The next thing he knew, as his eyes opened, was the realization that he had failed the one who called him friend. And he didn’t even have time to wrap his head around that fact because the shocking and horrific events of Jesus’ arrest immediately followed. 

So, what did he do?  … He ran away. 

What were John’s thoughts during that time, wherever he was? Perhaps wondering what would Jesus say to him after this? How could John face Him? After literally sleeping while Jesus was in anguish and asked him to keep watch. After running for his own life, rather than standing by the One who called him friend. Oh the thoughts that must have tormented him…

And then he heard. Jesus was sentenced to be crucified. What was happening? What had he done? How could he have run like that? He knew he had to go back. He couldn’t desert him again. 

So, there John found himself. There, in the middle of the scene they had most feared in the deepest recesses of their minds, now horrifically displayed before his eyes. Jesus was dying. Oh, what had he done? Now it was too late. He couldn’t explain. He wouldn’t ever know what Jesus would say to him after everything. He would never know. 

But wait, Jesus was saying something, speaking to him…! “Here is your mother.”

John did record that. And, he is the only one to do so. Is that not beautiful? I think the Spirit did that on purpose. Just for John. Ok, maybe for us too. To say, “I know you have regrets. But let me speak directly to you in this very subject…  I. Love. You.  Still, and always. You don’t have to hang your head. I am not ashamed of you. I do not condemn you. I welcome you back.” 

John could not contain this part of the story! He had to tell the world who Jesus is. The One who loves. The One who forgives. The One who saw his every flaw, and then went beyond calling him friend, and called him family. 

That is who Jesus was to John. 

That is who Jesus is to you.  To me. 

Merciful God.  Loving Savior.  Forgiving Friend.